Keep My Secrets
by Moonbeam-987
Summary: "I fell asleep thinking about James and how he was going to be ok. I'd make sure of it." Kames! Rated M for smut. For evilgeniusbookworm13!


A/N: Hello everyone!:) Well, here is my first attempt at smut. It is probably the worst smut you will ever read, and I am going to apologize in advance. I AM SOOOO SORRY! Anywho, I hope it is not to terrible...

This is for evilgeniusbookworm13!:)) She is the one that got me into smut and helped me figure out where I wanted this to go, so it only seemed fitting!

Oh, and sorry if there are any spelling mistakes! I don't have Word on my laptop yet, so I had to write this on _Sticky Notes._

Disclaimer: I am just a lonely, broke high school student, but I totally own BTR..._ in my dreams._

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><p>Slowly sliding my window open, I inched my way out into the cool, autumn atmosphere. After closing the window back down to where it was still cracked somewhat so I could get back in, I carefully made my way to the edge of the roof. Sitting down, I dangled my legs off of the ledge in preparation for the jump. Holding my breath I leaped off and my feet soon found the ground, all of my weight shifting to the balls of my feet.<p>

Looking around to make sure no one was in sight—although I wouldn't expect anyone to be walking around at two in the morning—I tugged my hoodie back into place and then began walking down the sidewalk. My destination was only a block away, so I didn't even bother going and getting my bike.

The streetlamps lit the night sky as I got closer and closer to my desired destination; aka the park. Seeing as it was Saturday night, I was to be there at exactly two-thirty, and not a minute after.

James was the one who was waiting for me. Every Saturday at two-thirty we meet up in the park and just talk. Nothing to important, but it is the only time we have away from Carlos and Logan. It's just Kendall and James time.

Walking onto the grassy exterior of the park grounds I could see a figure sitting in the grass a few yards away. Getting closer and closer the small figure soon turned into my best friend sitting on a blanket. A wide smile stretched across his face as I sat down on the blanket and I smiled back.

"It took you long enough!"

"It's only…" I pulled my phone out and looked at the time, "Two-twenty-five."

"Oh, well it feels like I have been sitting here for hours."

"You are such a drama queen." I shook my head and he weakly punched me on the arm.

"And like you're not?"

"What does that mean?"

"Last week when rehearsals for the school play ended late. When I got home you told me that you thought I had been kidnapped…" he gave a small smirk.

"That is totally different!"

"How?"

"It- Uhh… Oh, shut up!"

James' laughter rang out loud through the still air, and I could only laugh with him. Soon we were falling over with fits of laughter and ended up laying on our backs looking up at the starry sky. A few moments went by before either of us spoke.

"What do you want to talk about?" James' voice broke the silence.

"I don't know…"

"Well, think of something!" after thinking a moment, an idea struck.

"You want to tell things that we don't know about each other?"

"Sure, you go first."

"I am failing in math…" James jolted up into a sitting position.

"What! Kendall, that means that you get suspended from the hockey team for three weeks! When were you going to tell me about this?"

"I was going to break the news tonight… but you guys will do fine without me. It's your turn." I switched the subject, wishing not to discuss this any longer.

He gave me an exasperated look before laying back down beside me and he let out a soft sigh.

"I still sleep with a nightlight." He barely whispered, but I still heard him.

"No you don't… I have spent a lot of nights at your house, and you at mine, and I have never seen this nightlight that you speak of…"

"I don't sleep with it when you or the guys are around. I just suffer through the night in darkness…"

"James! You don't have to do that. I wouldn't judge you for having to sleep with a nightlight. To be honest, I still sleep with my blankie when I have had a rough day." I nudged his arm with mine.

"Really?"

"Yes, the hockey captain sometimes sleeps with his blankie. Go ahead and make fun of me, I can take it."

"That's actually kind of sweet." He giggled and scooted closer to me.

"Whatever. It's your turn again."

"Ok… umm… I'm allergic to Cuda Man-Spray?"

I started laughing before I even had a chance to process the sentence. James is the only person I know that uses that awful smelling "Man-Spray" and it is just flat out funny that he is now allergic to it. After I finally calmed down, I looked over to find James with a little pout on his face.

"Oh come on! That was freaking hilarious!"

"No it's not. Now I don't have my_ edge_ to get the ladies." His pout grew more pronounced.

"James, you don't need an 'edge'. You're amazing just the way you are."

"Please don't start singing that song…" his eyes grew wide with fear.

"I won't. But still, it's the truth."

It was the truth. James is the most amazing person I know. I love just being in his presents because he can make me feel so many feelings in just a matter of two seconds. He can make me happy, excited, hyper, sad, frustrated; and even though some of the feelings are not the best, I love every second. I live just for these moments that we are together without Logan and Carlos. When it's just me and him, I feel like nothing bad can ever happen.

"Thank you." A light blush graced his face, and I smiled.

"Now it's my turn… I hated it when you would wear that Cuda-crap." I gave him a smug smile and he responded with a grimace.

"_Hmph_… I hate it when you wear beanies!"

"What! Beanies are awesome!"

"That's what you think…" he barely muttered.

I quickly rolled over and jumped on top of him, pinning his body underneath mine as I started attacking his sides. Loud roars of laughter echoed through the park as I continued to tickle him.

"Take it back James! Say 'Beanies are awesome!'"

"N-n-never!"

I grabbed his wrists and pinned them down by his head. He let out a cry of pain as his eyes became as wide as sausers.

"GET OFF OF ME!" I quickly got off of him and he turned his back to me.

"...What's wrong Jamie?"

He didn't say anything, but I could tell that he was crying by the way his shoulders were shaking. I placed a hand on his shoulder and he recoiled. I finally got up and walked around to where he couldn't turn away from me.

"Jamie, talk to me."

He turned his face away and I sat there and waited for him to tell me. After a few mintues, he turned back to me, his eyes all puffy and red.

"There is s-something that I need to tell you…" his voice quivered lightly.

I nodded my head for him to go on, but instead he leaned in close, buried his face into my chest, and started sobbing. Instinctually, I wrapped my arms around him and started to try to soothe him.

"Hey, hey, it's ok."

"N-no it's not K-Kendall." His voice was muffled by my chest.

"James, look at me." he didn't respond, so I pulled him away from me and held his face in-between my hands. "Tell me what's wrong."

"I... I-I don't want... I d-don't want to l-live anym-m-more." My heart broke.

"Wh-what do you mean?" he pulled away from me and looked into my eyes.

He pulled up his sleeve and tears automatically sprung into my eyes. Large red gashes covered his arm from his wrist all the way up to his elbow. I hesitantly place a finger to one of the fresher looking cuts and he winced, his face scrunching up in pain as tears fell down his cheeks.

"I can't do it anymore K-Kendall. I'm t-tired of everyone contemplating my sexuality b-behind my back. I'm tired of people calling me f-fag and practically running away at the s-sight of me. I just c-can't handle it anymore. I-It's too hard."

"James, you can get through this. We ca-"

"No Kendall," he interrupted me, putting a hand on my chest, "I can't go through this any l-longer. This j-just makes it better for me and e-everyone."

"No it won't. It would make my life a living hell."

"You can stop lying." He tried to get out of my grasp, but I only pulled him closer to me. "Kendall, w-what are you doing?"

To answer his question I lightly pressed my lips against his. It felt like a million fireworks started going off in my head, and as I pulled back I could tell that James had the same feeling. His eyes glistened with tears and he pulled me back to his lips, this time more forceful. Lips moving in sync, James' tongue soon begged for entry, and I gave in immediately. His wet appendage roamed freely, covering every inch of my mouth before I took control, laying him down to where I was straddling his waist. I left light, butterfly kissed all over his face, taking in this moment.

It was like I was on sensory overload. I could hear, see, and feel everything. I could hear his heavy breathing, the beating of his heart. I could see the fire in his eyes when I pulled away. I could feel the passion and the love he put into the kisses that he left on my neck.

I want to remember everything. I want him to remember everything.

I carefully placed my fingers under the hem of his shirt and slowly started to move it up his body, making sure that he was ok with it, but he took me by surprise by practically ripping his jacket and his shirt from his body. My hoodie and shirt were next and were thrown off to the side with his.

Lips kissed sloppily and tongues lashed out at any time they could, sending me into a euphoria that I have never felt before. Being with James like this felt so perfect, like we should have been like this forever.

I moved my way back to his neck and gave a little nibble as I fiddled with the button of his jeans. He gave a light moan as I started to slide his pants down his legs to his ankles, and he kicked them off the rest of the way before quickly removing my jeans in return. I placed two fingers between his skin and the hem of his boxers, giving them a light tug and he let out a soft whimper, tangling his fingers into my hair. His hips jerked up and his growing erection brushed up against mine, making me throw my head back. I heard him faintly giggle and I couldn't help but to smile as I pulled his boxers down his legs before taking off my own.

Pulling his legs up, I stuck my finger in my mouth, coating it in saliva before preparing him. After the third finger easily moved in and out, I looked up to him and he gave me a light nod. I slathered my erection in slaiva, and while keeping my eyes on James' eyes, I lined myself up with him and thrusted into him. A loud whimper escaped his lips and I let out a moan as my erection was enveloped in warmth. I waited for him to adjust before moving, leaving kisses all over his exposed skin. A small tears escaped his shut eyes and I kissed them away before moving my lips to his. He kissed back and then told me to move.

I pulled back and then thrusted back in. James let out another whimper and I contemplated just stopping all together, but it just felt so good. He must have seen me thinking about this and he pulled my lips to his, nibbling on my bottom lip.

"K-keep going Kenny."

I kissed the top of his head and did as he said. His moans filled my ears as I thrusted in and out, trying to be as gentle as I could, not wanting to hurt him anymore, but as his moans got louder the thrusts got faster and harder. James yelled out my name before coming all over both of our chests, and I followed soon after, filling him to the brim.

I pulled out and laid down beside him, wrapping both of my arms around him, pulling him on top of my chest. Both of our chests heaved up and down trying to get our breathing back to normal. I kissed the top of his head and held him even tighter.

"Please don't ever do anything to take yourself away from me. I would have no choice but to follow you. I love you James."

His head snapped up and tears were evident in his eyes.

"I-I love you too." he leaned up and brushed his lips against mine.

We laid there for a few more mintues before I decided that I needed to get him home. When he sat up, he whimpered in pain. I quickly got dressed and then picked up James' clothes and helped him get dressed. While shimmying his boxers up, I trailed kisses up his legs and then kept going up his body until I got to his lips.

"Kendall, I'm never going to get dressed at this rate..."

"Maybe that's the plan." I wiggled my eyebrows and he gave a loud chuckle.

I shrugged my shoulders and then got the rest of his clothes on his body before helping him to his feet. As we walked away from the park James' limp got worse and I could tell he was in serious pain. Grabbing his hand I stopped him from walking and gestured for him to jump up into my arms.

"Are you crazy? I'm like ten times taller than you and a lot heavier!"

"You are only three inches taller than me, and you are not heavy. Now let me carry you." he bit his bottom lip and then wrapped his arms around my neck before weakly jumping up just enough for me to catch him in my arms.

I walked the rest of the way to his house with ease. Everyone underestimates me, but I am just as strong as James, if not stronger. As I let him down in the front lawn, I mentally thanked God that his room was on the first floor, because there is no way that he could ever climb onto the roof. I opened his window and gave him a little boost into his room. He leaned his head out of the window and looked into my eyes.

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For loving me." a sweet smile graced his face and I leaned up on my toes to place a kiss on his lips.

"Goodnight Jamie. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Goodnight."

He shut the window as I turned and started walking towards my house. The whole way there I couldn't keep the smile off of my face. I skillfully got onto the roof and climb back into my room. Collapsing on my bed, I kicked off my shoes and climbed under the comforter, replaying tonight over and over again in my head. I fell asleep thinking about James and how he was going to be ok. I'd make sure of it.

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><p>AN: asdifjasd;fj It was terrible, I know! jalkfja;ljfd

Review?


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